Good morning ladies,
FAST UPDATE: I am proud to say I am a finisher of a 10 day fast!!! I didn’t set any records and I did have a few pit stops around day 8-9 & 10 with watermelon, cucumber and a bite of my son’s egg (I ate it before I realized what was happening). It was amazing for me, I discovered I am stronger than the need for “comfort” food and I discovered the foods I was craving during this were colored peppers, beans, peanut butter and eggs. What I was NOT craving was fried food, snack food, or basically anything processed. I am now into incorporating foods back into my life and I am doing fruits and vegetables with a side of egg because there must be something in them that my body needs…it is CRAVING them. I made my first green smoothie yesterday morning, which was ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING but I choked it down. I will add different ingredients today. I have made a commitment to start everyday this week (because if I think too far ahead I get discouraged) with 16 oz of cold water before anything else and I commit to not eating after 6:30 pm. It’s a process and I am so proud of myself. I kiss my arms often during the day while thanking my body for being so great to me. I just love me!!!
EMOTIONAL UPDATE from THE FAST: Many religions promote times of fasting for spiritual reasons. As many of you know I am not affiliated with a religion but being spiritual I used this down time to do some extra learning and soul searching. I prayed and meditated each day and I am doing a soul journey workbook to prompt new thinking. During this time I waited and waited for some sort of HUGE REALIZATION to hit me. I thought that maybe a wonderful stranger might show up at my door and know things that were meant to teach me something…crazy I know but I thought something really profound would magically happen to me. I waited day after day, kept up my reading and meditating and praying but nothing. By day 7 I was really disappointed. The night of day 7 I was listening to this Hay House radio show and a caller chimed in to discuss a situation she needed guidance or understanding on, as I listened I thought, wow, I’m happy I don’t have this issue…the issue was SHAME.
The next morning I woke early and did my prayer and meditation, pulled out my workbook and was slammed back in my chair with tears streaming down my face…SHAME…I have been living under shame of not being enough since I was a young child. Many of the wrong, mean, cruel, hurtful choices I have made in my early (until into my 30’s) life was due to not feeling good enough. I was raised to believe that if you didn’t have new clothes you weren’t enough (I would never have YOU wear hand-me-downs), if you didn’t have a nice house (look at the kind of house they live in, it should be condemned) then you weren’t enough, if you didn’t have your hair curled (those dirty kids, obviously the parents don’t take time for them) for church you weren’t enough…the list goes on and on. I grew up thinking that if I didn’t look a certain way and live a certain way and raise my kids to look a certain way then I wasn’t good enough so I made really awful choices to make sure they did look a certain way, so that I looked a certain way so that I could feel good enough but the truth is it didn’t work.
I called a friend and asked, “Do you know anything about shame?”. “Absolutely, I’ve got a book you need to read. Google Brene Brown and watch her You Tube video”. I did and I spent the rest of the day on the front porch either in awe or crying for my lost years of not feeling good enough. The You Tube talks about getting Shame Resilient and moving toward vulnerability. Shame is only diminished if you can acknowledge it for what it is when it shows up and move though it. I was thrilled when Jimmy got home and I got to share with him what I learned about myself that day and that I was going to move through shame into vulnerability with courage. I decided right there and then that I was going to remind myself daily that I am more than the van I drive, the home we don’t own, the un-name-brand clothes that I wear. I decided right there and then to change the culture of the family that I have been creating and be more watchful of the words I use when describing myself and the people I know. I am going to break the cycle of NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT BEING WORTHY OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
Even as I write this I am thinking, you can’t “publish” this. You are not sharing this story, this is a Your Turn blog post not a Mel sob story post but I will and here’s why. I am not alone in hiding the feelings of unworthiness, fear of being judged, lying behind what you think others want you to be. I am not alone in wanting to be accepted and loved regardless of how I look, how many swear words I use, how many time I fall flat on my face in front of a crowd; so, I am facing my shame and letting it know that it is no longer needed here. I am going to be more authentic, more courageous, more vulnerable for myself but also for those on the fence who would like to be. I am willing to be the one out front with the weed whipper clearing the path for anyone who wants to put they’re shame on the side of the drive way for the trash man to pick up.
The short of this is that the fast I did, did more than drop my visceral fat down to 4 and help me to see that I have strength beyond measure; it helped me find a new amazing piece of myself. Now when I say I LOVE me I will also be saying I am worthy of the love of others by just being the real me. Thank you for being the audience to my new found shame resilient me!
Happenings This Week:
- 6:30pm – Your Turn Weight Loss Support Group – Your Turn Office
- 6pm – YT C25K Constantine
- 6pm – YT C25K Burr Oak
- 6:30pm – Your Turn Run/Walk Group – Show up and walk or run anywhere from 2-6 miles – Maple St. YMCA in Kalamazoo
- 5:30pm – YT Golf Group – Red Arrow Golf Course, $5
- 1:30pm – Your Turn TRI Group – Prairie View Park – Vicksburg
Have an amazing and safe 4th of July!!!